August 27th,2010
Friday 8:51p.m.
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Hello my friends,

I am in state of confusion. Someone that who gave me two beautiful girls and taught me how to survive, yet he brought so much and agony and tormoil-he let drugs,using filthy needles,and drinking lead his life-He did terrible things to other people-even to his own daughter and I find now that he is on his death bed right at this second-I cannot feel any hate or love for him.  He taught me how to fish better than the best and how to survive through the darkest hours- that we have now faced with-everyone-where the richest of people don't know how to survive. Where is the hate I once had for him?

Why do I even feel sad that he is dying alone?

Is this change in me for the better or the worse?

This man who had such a dark soul-who almost killed me-why he didn't, I don't know.

Because I was the mother of his daughter?

She has the burden of DNR or not. Such a burden for a woman whose father molested her and gave her Goneria in her throat and vagina-he tried to penatrate but couldn't.

What is wrong with me?

She wants him to live,why? She's going to have Dr's take him off of all the sedatives so she can talk to him and ask him what he wants and tell him she forgives him for everything she said to him- I guess she understands that forgiveness is best-that hate will eat her up like cancer.
I should be happy such evil is going to be out of this world. If you know what I mean.

And all I am doing is waiting for a phone call from my daughter or his sister...I feel sorry for him-WHY?

Does he have any remorse for all the bad he caused to so many innocent people?

I do have good memories of him before the drugs really took hold.

He even taught his daughter how to use drugs-now she is trying to learn to live without them. Maybe, both of his daughters or whoever reads this learns that there is cause and effect and he is proof of that.He scared me away from them years ago.

Just someone please help me to understand all of this because at 48 I surely don't.

***Like today, after we got home from the drug store-there was ahead on collision-people are in too much of hurry to die I think.***

It's just so crazy!

Help?

With the brightest of light and Blessings

<~The Pagan Pixie~>

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