Why was I so certain he was seeing someone else? Wanted to see someone else? Because I think I'm a boring person. I can be funny or interesting in spurts of when first getting to know someone, but then run out of things to say. The communication stops, my charm stops, and then I'm left floundering and feeling inadequate. Why do I feel like I have to be entertaining? Because that was the only way he knew me. It takes time and being around someone to build a relationship for me, in different environments and circumstances. Then my good qualities show through. My creativity, my usual loyalty (though that can sometimes slip in my cattiness), my sharp sense of humor, my mental capacity to think many things on many subjects (though I'm master of none), and my tenacity to chew at a bone until I find what I want. My great capacity to love if I can ever get past the distrust and suspicion, of wondering why this person is talking to me; because this person actually likes me or because they want to use me. Am I interesting for a while to be abandoned when I'm not, am I a tool to be used in some scheme of which I'm unaware? Or has that rare moment occurred when someone decides to invest the effort and time to really and truly get to know me, all of me and my many faces?  Why can't I simply let go and believe that people want to get to know me and relax and let them in and not be suspicious of why? I believe that actions speak louder than words and I believe it's the human condition to lie, to hide their agendas. I also believe that it's human to have a reason to want to be around someone. Sometimes it's because you genuinely like someone, sometimes it's because that person can do something for you, sometimes it's because you have nothing better to do and you'll be gone the second there is. Why do I believe this way?


I've been set the task of gathering people together to make some sort of community, it's all so murky and vague, and I feel like a mistake has been made somewheres. I'm only the entertainer in spurts, moments or bursts of energy, and then nothing. I feel inadequate when I compare myself to Janie who can talk all the time about everything, Janie was always popular and always loved and I was her hostile, misunderstood friend. So what are my gifts and good points and why am I comparing myself to Janie? Because I'm used to being compared to her, way it's always been. So why do I go through this over and over, even seek her out? Because I rely on her to be my mouthpiece when I have nothing to say I let her talk and entertain so I can sit in the background and observe, and that's what I'm hoping she'll do now. Why not learn to entertain myself? Makes me uncomfortable to flounder so am I setting myself up simply because I'm lazy?


If I'm expecting a man to say he's not interested in someone else and am prepared to not believe him, what then is he to do? What can he do? When he's already lost in my mind? Absolutely nothing. So why do I do that? I can believe or not believe Janie because I know her, and have a better chance of telling if she's lieing, that's why I settled on her answers to decide truth from lie, but it's not fair, and what can he do about it? nothing. Why do I do that? It doesn't matter that I don't do it often. I've done it more than once. Could it be because the last two relationships I've been in were ones of the roving eye? But I know not everyone is like that. And I know that some people can be trusted. That's not the answer. Is it because of my insecurities? But then why doesn't it happen in every relationship? That's not the answer. Why do I know with some relationships that's not a problem, even when there are questionable circumstances and with others I know that it is. I knew my second husband was cheating, and he still cheats today on his girlfriends. I knew my last lover was a cheater and he left me for his ex wife for a few months and then wanted me back. So then I question was I really wrong? Or did I actually pick up on something that was there? I don't know. So then I'm back to did I wrongly accuse someone and put him in an unsolvable situation? Where I'd already judged and there wasn't a right answer. And let's chase my tail some more. Why does it matter that I figure this out? Because if I do have a problem, how can I possibly say I'm ready for a relationship again? One that's equal not only for me but also for him? How can I expect fair treatment knowing I may not give it? Or do I say that when I'm with the right person I'll know I can trust him. Isn't that a cop out? And is it fair to take the chance on hurting an innocent who has done nothing simply because I have a suspicious mind? How on earth do I find these answers? Or accept they're unanswerable? Where's the light? I don't want to be unfair or abusive or cruel or hurting, but I don't know what to do about this either. Where's the light?

Views: 30

Comment by Gwearbennen Bearwalker on June 29, 2011 at 5:15am
So much in this I can relate to. x


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