I do not have nightmares often. So rare are they that they are worthy of great note, for me.

Now, I have bizarre and strange dreams all the time, touching on aspects of horror and terror, though very few actually frighten me -- in most dreams, it seems to just be a normal part. "Oh, there's a pile of bones and ashes over there and ceramic spirit-eyes of the dead" sort of thing: accepted, understood, not terrifying.

But in my nightmares, my rare and frightening nightmares, it is different. Firstly, I am aware somehow that I am dreaming, yet have no recourse but to be a passenger of the dream. It feels real, all of it, too, and are at least as vivid as my normally very vivid dreams.

Most of them are timeless, or seem to take place in an amazingly small amount of time (how is it I can close my eyes for ten minutes and somehow experience a full dream sequence, or at least the start of one?). Sometimes, in flashes. By flashes I mean brief periods, an image or a sound or a feeling that lasts only a moment before disappearing (usually right before i awaken, feeling breathless, bewildered, and frightened).

These short dreams, these flashes on the edge of consciousness, blossoming into visualization and understanding, I believe, are meaningful somehow. Other, not so frightening "flash dreams" have proved sometimes prophetic of the future (I remember one in particular where I was doing a pointless activity, and even wondered in the dream "why am I doing this?" and two weeks later finding myself doing that exact activity that I had dreamt of, in the exact circumstances -- many such dreams are "pointless activities" or "normal life stuff" that happens within 2-6 weeks after my dreaming of it). Sometimes they are a precursor to a lucid dream (such as the one with the violin music I found I could control with my mind, and eventually I was standing at a concert and wishing that my friend in the next room would have a similar dream because I knew he liked the band that was playing and I knew he'd enjoy the dream). Sometimes they seem to be something more... communications, travels, or something I haven't been quite able to place.

But sometimes I have dreams far more disturbing.

The earliest one in the particular ones I am going to mention here, happened when I was in my late teens sometime. In it, my mother had taken a tie and choked me to death (itself not terribly frightening in the dream sense). Normally I cannot die, cannot feel pain, etc in my dreams... and this was different. I suddenly felt myself sucked out of my body as I fell, and rose up through the roof of my house, up above the valley, the surrounding countryside, and shooting out into space at reckless speed, everything disappearing in infinitesimally small sizes behind me. I flew into darkness, into an airless void (and I felt like I was being asphyxiated; that I was suffocating), and furthermore the void was sentient and hungry, and I felt small and weak and very much like a morsel of food... something to be sucked dry and consumed. I awoke feeling like I had actually died and returned.

The second was not too long ago. I was again finding myself in the void, withjout having died, just there. By void I do not mean blackness -- blackness implies something there to be black. This was a void of nothingness -- no sensation of sight, nothing. The consuming part was not here, but this void was still very ... conscious... in nature. It spoke one word to me, in the voice of a woman I do not recognize, and it seemed like the wind had spoken it to me too (I called my boyfriend and went on a little bit about "scary voices in the wind" or something)... The word it spoke to me was simply, "Who." Not a question, if anything, a statement. I awoke terrified for some reason. I still do not know why.

The third happened last week, the night before my last day of college. Again with the void, the emptiness and lack of sensation. This time, I felt as iff someone was tapping on the bones down my spine, and at each tap, that same womans voice again, spelling a letter of a word. Just one word. "F-A-I-L" ... it seemed almost happy or jubilant, but that may be my twist on it -- the voice seems somehow emotionless, yet not.

I do not know... perhaps the meanings of these strange dreams will become clear to me.

What are your thoughts?

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