I have done things that I am not proud of. Things that have harmed so many on a level that I can barely imagine. The Damage to trust, and to respect, from others and to myself. No I didn't do it alone, but I have the responsibility to face the consequences alone. I spoke with a friend, a VERY Dear Friend lately, a friend like so many others I have alienated with my dishonor, and had been inadvertently pushed away her and her husband with my misdeeds. A friend who told me, as have others including Sisters in my spiritual family, that I have to first forgive myself before I can really begin to rebuild trust with those around me as well as in the community. The current problem is that though the very act that caused my disgrace has been corrected for over a year and a half, the association hasn't..... yet.

I know now more than ever that is what is needed. Without not only closing that chapter but that book with a conclusive "THE END." And until I do, the only thing I have to look forward to is: the continued doubt from those that I love as to whether or not I have moved on and thus continued distrust; the danger of falling into my own downward spiral of self-pity, a journey that only ends in the wastes of doubt and uncertainty.

So wheres the conflict? In the fact that this other person has lost EVERYTHING including her friends. I am literally the last remnant of her former life, and quite possibly the last thread from her own downward spiral. How can I successfully ease her pain, and lower her to the ground without meeting my own 600 MPH vertical dive? How can I show this woman so much as an ounce of compassion and humanity? Do I have the strength to save us both from ourselves? How can I pay my debts to those that I have harmed, whose trust I have violated, whose respect I have lost, whom I have disappointed with my poor judgment, AND at the same time sit idly by and watch this person, whom I care for as a friend & a human being, fade into despair?

This is my Hell, a conflict with what seems to only have a lose - lose solution.


Fallen

Heaven bend to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight

Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
In the wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I've held so dear.

I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

Heaven bend to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turn their heads embarrassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
One slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

~~ Sarah McLachlan ~~
~~ "Fallen" ~~
~~Afterglow (Nov 2003)~~

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