I have a friend who is 21. She began dating a man who is 45. Her family is refusing to support her choice. They feel like he's going to keep her from her famiy. He says family is important to him and he won't do that. Her mom says she doesn't like him.

Is there any advice to give them to help her family be more accepting of her decision?

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They met when my grandmother was in her early 20s. Just because she's younger and a woman doesn't men she'll be the submissive one. I'm younger than my husband and I'm waaaaaaaay more dominate than he is in most situations.

Aurelia, Some women are immature at 21 Aurelia not all women. I was a mother and college graduate with a career at 21. Not all of us women live in ivory towers where we are protected from the real world, some of us actually have a great deal of life experience at 21.

You also assume he is out for a good time and to use this young lady to puff up his ego or some such thing. Why do you assume he's the one using and not little miss get an easy ride 21 year old doing the using.

Your opinion is extremely biased against the older male. What if it was a 47 year old woman dating a 21 year old man would you be so biased. Or possibly remove gender completely and just be someone 47 dating someone 21, would your bias still hold up?

For you information my wife is almost 20 years younger than me. She was mature and I was immature for our ages and we fit wonderfully. It could be the same in this relationship.

Aurelia, Some women are immature at 21 Aurelia not all women. I was a mother and college graduate with a career at 21. Not all of us women live in ivory towers where we are protected from the real world, some of us actually have a great deal of life experience at 21.

Not speaking of you in particular, but not all mothers/college graduates/career women at 21 are mature.  And you don't have a 'career' at 21.  You are entry level into a career path that you're GOING to be building.

These women that you're thinking of are just more busy.  You're confusing being busy and accomplished with maturity.  They're not the same things.  Most all of us know immature young mothers and college grads and entry level folks.

You also assume he is out for a good time and to use this young lady to puff up his ego or some such thing. Why do you assume he's the one using and not little miss get an easy ride 21 year old doing the using.

Isn't a relationship supposed to be a good time?  I'm not saying that he's using her.  I'm simply saying that men who like MUCH younger women all follow a pattern.  It's not rocket science or that their actions are malicious.  They just all follow the same pattern because they're based on the same needs.

Your opinion is extremely biased against the older male. What if it was a 47 year old woman dating a 21 year old man would you be so biased. Or possibly remove gender completely and just be someone 47 dating someone 21, would your bias still hold up?

No, I have the same opinions about older women and younger men.  The only thing different are the needs. 

For you information my wife is almost 20 years younger than me.

And at what age did you meet?

 

Actually in my career choice you better be 5 or 6 years past entry level at 21 or just find a different career. So no 21 year old's can and do have a career.

No I am not confusing busy with maturity. A gang of teens running 24/7 from one meaningless action to another is busy, a child with play dates is busy. Someone that is holding down a job, raising a child and advancing their career, maintaining a home and not partying every night is mature no matter their age.

Actually a relationship is work with moments of "good times". Anyone that thinks other wise will never be in a real lasting relationship. So no relationships are not suppose to be a good time. They are relationships where you share the bad and the good with someone else. Not a freaking party.

And to answer you final question I was 42 and she was 23. I had just broke up with my 41 year old gf of 5 years because she was immature, self centered ego freak because she thought the letter's Dr. in front of her name made her special  and the world, including me should cater to her.

Also my wife at the time we met had two children, no job and was living in one of her parents houses so she wouldn't be homeless, no college degree, but her dreams were my dreams and figured seeing I loved her we could go there together. So the whole no baggage thing doesn't fit. Neither does the make me feel young thing because I have been old since I was 10. Also I am still hot and can attract anyone I wish too, so no mid life crisis BS.

So Aurelia your apparent bad experience with someone older is not the standard for the world, it is just the standard for you.

Actually in my career choice you better be 5 or 6 years past entry level at 21 or just find a different career. So no 21 year old's can and do have a career.

And what career is that where you can start at 15?

No I am not confusing busy with maturity. A gang of teens running 24/7 from one meaningless action to another is busy, a child with play dates is busy. Someone that is holding down a job, raising a child and advancing their career, maintaining a home and not partying every night is mature no matter their age.

No, they're not.  I know plenty of young mothers who are busy as can be and they have all the emotional maturity of a teenager.  Yeah, they have a home, and they're late on their rent or utility bills every month, electricity turning off because they didn't pay the bill, buying a room full of furniture on credit, then not paying the bill when it came due so the bill can go to collections and then they make a deal with the collector, blowing their entire paychecks every month, tossing off the kids off on grandmom, so they can go party with their friends, so they don't have to pay a babysitter and then complain they never have money.  They can be earning their college degree while working full-time as a licensed professional but still calling you in the middle of the night crying because of some slight by a girlfriend or ex-husband or would be lover, or getting drunk at parties and crying because their life didn't turn out as they thought it would...

Wow, sounds like I am speaking from experience, eh? 

Actually a relationship is work with moments of "good times".

I really doubt anyone starts to date someone and then thinks,

"hey, we could get serious and have a relationship because I really want more work."

Really?

And to answer you final question I was 42 and she was 23. I had just broke up with my 41 year old gf of 5 years because she was immature, self centered ego freak because she thought the letter's Dr. in front of her name made her special  and the world, including me should cater to her.

Considering the work that goes into a doctorate.  I would think that yeah, that is something special.  Not everyone has one, do they?  Do you?

So Aurelia your apparent bad experience with someone older is not the standard for the world, it is just the standard for you.

LOL.  No, I'm the older person.  I always have been.  I've always dated my age or younger.  My friends and family though have always gone with the same age or older and very much older route.  I've seen how it ends up.  99 times out of a 100.

A friend is currently dating an older man. She's getting vexed because he can't get it up anymore...not like her younger bfs used to.


It really is very predictable.  There are always exceptions of course.  So congrats to you Kixxs, but you are not the norm.

I will be curious to see how Ms. Pouncer's friend ends up.  I'd be willing to lay money that it won't last long.

Yes Aurelia I do have a doctorate in psychology, it was my second career my first was horses which I got a BS in Equine Science's while I was showing horses on the world level as a professional before I became a trainer and coach...that is one of many career you start young or not at all. Most athletic career start young as well as performance art careers.

"I really doubt anyone starts to date someone and then thinks,

"hey, we could get serious and have a relationship because I really want more work."

Really?"

So I'm guessing your not in a long term relationship huh.

Yes Aurelia I do have a doctorate in psychology,

Then they must be giving them away since you don't think it's very special, do you?  Or was it just your ex-gf's doctorate that wasn't special?

it was my second career my first was horses which I got a BS in Equine Science's while I was showing horses on the world level as a professional before I became a trainer and coach...that is one of many career you start young or not at all. Most athletic career start young as well as performance art careers.

Sorry, you started your degree in Equine Science at 15?  That's not a career.  That's a higher education.  Combing horses, mucking out stalls, riding warmups is not a career.  That's something kids do for part-time money, like mowing lawns or delivering newspapers.

Athletics are not a career until you become a professional.  THEN it's a career, before then you're a wannabe.


There are plenty of those...or do you consider high school football quarterbacking and 4F a career?

"I really doubt anyone starts to date someone and then thinks,

"hey, we could get serious and have a relationship because I really want more work."

Really?"

So I'm guessing your not in a long term relationship huh.

Which time?

Your comprehension must be off Aurelia must be all that dating younger people has done wore ya clean out and ya can't think straight or possibly read straight. I suggest you re-read my post. I was a professional long before college. I was pushed out of Novice at 16 because I was getting paid to ride people's horses which make you a professional in the horse industry. Mucking and such I did since I was an infant and I sure didn't get paid for it. But you wouldn't understand the idea of children working now would you. I mean there are child labor laws and no one ever breaks the law now do they, just like all men are out to puff up their egos with dating younger women.

By the way, having Dr. or Phd attached does not make you any better than the day you started school your still the same person you just read a few more books basically. So no my doctorate doesn't impress me nor does anyone else's because a piece of paper doesn't make you a better person.

"Which time?"

Exactly!

Your comprehension must be off Aurelia must be all that dating younger people has done wore ya clean out and ya can't think straight or possibly read straight. I suggest you re-read my post. I was a professional long before college. I was pushed out of Novice at 16 because I was getting paid to ride people's horses which make you a professional in the horse industry.

They were being kind to a kid.  No they don't consider you a professional.   You were hired help.

Mucking and such I did since I was an infant and I sure didn't get paid for it. But you wouldn't understand the idea of children working now would you.

According to child labor laws you mean?

I mean there are child labor laws and no one ever breaks the law now do they, just like all men are out to puff up their egos with dating younger women.

Of course they break the law, still doesn't make it legal or right or make you a professional of anything.

People start working at McDonald's at 15.  Illegally working more hours than they should.  Does that make them a "professional"?

By the way, having Dr. or Phd attached does not make you any better than the day you started school your still the same person you just read a few more books basically. So no my doctorate doesn't impress me nor does anyone else's because a piece of paper doesn't make you a better person.

Ah, reading more books?  LOL.  Is that all you need for a psychology PhD then?

For other PhDs it's a bit more difficult than just reading more books.  

"Which time?"

Exactly!

Oh, now you're saying it's a negative thing to have more than one long term relationship?

I guess you believe we all should just have one long term relationship and then settle down?

LOL

Er, no.  Many of us have several long term relationships in life.  I've had about 4 and got 3 marriage proposals out of them.  I also dated casually.  Some of us have more expansive dating lives than you appear to have had, Kixxs. 

Harold and Maude.  Hah.  Loved this movie.

******SPOILERS!!!**********************SPOILERS!!!********************

But it was a short relationship too, wasn't it?

I think age gap relationships can work. My great grandmother married a man who was 16 years older, and they had the best marriage in the family - that includes all the current generations!

So, I suppose, what I am saying is that age does not have to be an obstacle to love.

But, I can understand where her family is coming from. 21 is still pretty young. I changed A LOT in the years between 18 and 25. Of course, everyone changes all the time. We're learning, transforming, growing. But, the 18 to 25 are pretty intense years. We enter into adulthood, get "adult" jobs, move out on our own, become independent, etc. We grow a lot, and I think it's important to have that time to do so - without being shortchanged. 

Someone who is 45 has already gone through all that and are in a totally different place in their life. If she were 30 and he 60 even, I don't think the difference would be AS glaring in terms of development as it is when someone is 21 and 45. And if we're talking about being equal partners ... a relationship where someone is just entering adulthood versus someone who has been an adult for decades is not going to be one of equals. Some people are OK with that, but a lot of the time, as the younger person grows, they grow out of that relationship too. 

I would actually caution your friend to take things very slowly, not give up certain things just because she's dating someone who is already past a certain life stage. Also, she should think seriously (and realistically) about the future.

They have been friends for over 5 years now and denied themselves because of the age gap. Now that she is older, she decided to give him a chance.

She is mature for her age and isn't some party kid looking for a sugar daddy.  She tried dating in her age group, but the guys are just too immature and disrespectful.

For him, he loves her mind and body, so it's not just a physical thing for him

From what I've seen, they seem to be a good match...

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