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All Blog PostsMy BlogEdit Blog PostsAdd a Blog Post I find myself in a dark black holePosted by The PaganPixie on August 27, 2010 at 9:31pm
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Delete Post Edit Blog Posts August 27th,2010


^excuse this please^

Friday 8:51p.m.

I am in state of confusion. Someone that who gave me two beautiful girls and taught me how to survive yet, he brought so much and agony and tormoil-he let drugs,using filthy needles,drinking lead his life-He did terrible things to other people-even to his own daughter and I find now that he is on his death bed right at this second-I cannot feel any hate or love for him.He taught me how to fish better than the best and how to survive through the darkest hours that we have now faced-where the richest of people don't know how to survive. Where is the hate I once had for him-why do I even feel sad that he is dying alone? Is this change in me for the better or the worse? This man who had such a dark soul-who almost killed me-why he didn't, I don't know.

Because I was the mother of his daughter? She has the burden of DNR or not. Such a burden for a woman whose father molested her and gave her goneria in her throat and vagina-he tried to penatrate but could-what is wrong with me?

I should be happy such evil is going to be rid of this world. If you know what I mean.

And all I am doing is waiting for a phone call from my daughter or his sister...I feel sorry for him-WHY?

Does he have any remorse for all the bad he caused to so many innoicent people?

I do have good memories of him before the drugs really took hold.

He even taught his daughter how to use drugs-now she is trying to learn to live without them. Maybe, both of his daughters or whoever reads this learns that there is cause and effect and he is proof of that.He scared me away from them years ago.

Just someone please help me to understand all of this because at 48 I surely don't.

Like today, after we got home from the drug store-there was ahead on collision-people are in too much of hurry to die I think.

It's just so crazy


With the brightest of light and Blessings

<~The Pagan Pixie~>

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When someone dies it's just normal to not be happy no matter how bad the person is. That's alot to deal with but try to relax and know that you will be okay and pray for him to change and be ok because that's all you can do.
I know*sigh* but it's not easy.
I'm sure that many people will disagree with me, but I believe that when someone hurts others as you have described of this man, it is often because they themselves are hurting and do not know how to deal with that hurt. Sometimes people inflict pain on others to avoid facing their own pain. I've seen this first hand more times than I care to remember.

The man you speak of has probably lived a life filled with his own personal suffering, loneliness and self-induced mindlessness. There are so many wonderful things that life has to offer that he has probably never experienced and never will. Someone like this probably should be pitied rather than hated.

In my view, that you can feel sorry for him and let go of your hate, is a sign of compassion and of readiness to heal. It sounds like you have a lot going on in your head right now. If you meditate, now might be a good time for it. I hope that you will find the answers that you seek.

Blessings, love and healing to you.
I thank you for your insight,wisdom,and understanding.
I think right now I need rest to be able to help my daughter.
I wish for you to have the brightest of days,joy and happiness now and beyond
Sincerely Yours,
<~The Pagan Pixie~>
Hanako seki agree with you I'm guilty of doing that to time to time not to this mans extent and getting rid of hate is a part of healing
I wish none of was going on but it's something I must face.
This is so true- I have held onto hate for so long for others who has passed and I needed to let go. of all of the hate-Now is the time.
Thank You
<~The Pagan Pixie~>
Good night-or good morning everyone-I hope he hangs on long enough for TC to talk with his daughter
2:09 a.m.
You feel sorry for him because, no matter what he did, no matter who he hurt, YOU are a stronger person. In your heart, you know that death, no matter whose it is, is a loss of life - and death (for whatever reason) is sad. Rejoice that you still have life in you to mourn for him, because this is proof that he did not take that from you. That despite all that he did, he did not kill the love in you for life. No matter what he did, mourn for him. A loss of a life, no matter whose it is, is a sad and terrible thing. Even if they deserve they death they recieve, someone loved him. Whether it was his parents, his friends, his children, his siblings. Mourn for them if you cannot mourn for yourself. Or for him. Because that is all we can - no, we MUST do. Because if we ever reach a place where we can no longer mourn a loss of life, then we are worthy of no more than death.

Blessings to you, dear one. My sincere prayer for you is that the Divine will grant you the peace and acceptance that you not only need, but so richly deserve. For only in feeling sympathy for those who are about to die, do we truly prove that we deserve to live.

I want to say "Thank You" That made complete sense to me and it makes me feel better because of all the terrible things he did to me and my daughter.
I feel everyones prayers and blessings-Can anyone tell me where do people like him go?
Just wondering.
<~The Pagan Pixie~>
The most significant thing that cough my attention here is addiction. The ravages of addiction run so deep that it not only does destroy the drug user but also anyone that has anything to do with them .Addiction eats anything and everything that the affected thought they cared about . One persons use it affects at least 7 people who care (or cared) about them .

As you eluded to only vaguely is that you are aware that the drugs "took him" and that with out them he is maybe a different person . That is an awareness that not all have . Addiction is like success in reverse both will bring you places you never dreamed going .

There some where is a part of you that does know your ex is not completely a monster and that what the monster is is his disease of addiction . What some of this sounds like is that you are truly aware that their is a difference between the man and his disease though it does not justify anything but that knowledge in an unsettling way explains a few things .

And lastly dealing with this mans addictions long ago when you "gave up on him" you suffered a great loss and grieved for him , this final chapter is something you took care of in your own way and have long , long ago said farewell to the man you cared for because his disease of addiction took him from you long ago.
I'm sorry for all the mess that he caused in your life, what horrible trajedy. It seems though that you knew him for a while as a decent person and that you saw parts of him, at least for a time that were good. Perhaps that's who you miss, before everything went wrong and who you would never get back anyway, but it's final now. The whole situation is sad, perhaps you are relieved too.

~ Blessings to you and your daughters


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