First off, this is LONG, but I appreciate anyone who has the time to read it all and give me feedback on this. THANK YOU!
I realize this should probably go to my blog instead, however, I had an extremely powerful and profound experience today in school, and I do honestly doubt it will be my last.
Let me first start off and explain about a few things that have been going on. I'm currently studying to be a massage therapist and I've only been in the program, literally, for three days (since Jan 14). It's been orientation for the last few days and I'm studying at a school that specializes in nothing but massage therapy. It's not just academic, it is an amazingly spiritual place as well.
Well, we have had some interesting experiences, some that really touched people. Yesterday, for example, we met the older class of students who will graduate at the end of April. We met them in a unique way. We all went outside and made a large circle as one huge group. There are about sixty five or so in the new group and probably about that much in the older group. We, as the new students took one step forward and formed an inner circle and turned to face the circle of older students surrounding us. We held our hands out and they took them for about ten seconds and we just made contact and met non-verbally that way. It was all body language.
I ended up noticing quite a bit, heat, cold, those who projected energy, those who drained it and those who were balanced, and then of course those who were really strong and I'm not sure they realized it. More than one of us got our fingers nearly crushed by one of the older class. This experience was profound for most, and extremely emotional, however, I didn't seem to really react to it, except to two people. One of which I didn't want to let go of my hands, the other I wanted to hurry up and move on. I feel that it was too short a meeting to really get a good connection with someone.
So, today we had another interesting experience involving touch. Most of our experiments and such are, of course, but today's really had a profound effect on me and it made me extremely emotional to the point of tears.
The exercise was pretty simple, and I'm going to summarize the first two parts because it gets long to sit and explain each part, it was the last part that was most important. What we had to do was play either client or therapist, the first time around the client was instructed to feel helpless, or feel like they were helpless. The second time when we switched roles with our partner the client had to feel expectant of perfection and demanding of a really good massage. What we had to do as the therapist was simply hold our client's head in our hands and cradle it. Both times it was a little different and the point of these parts is to explore how we felt in each role of working with someone who has been through a lot and is helpless like that and then working with those who are demanding and expecting a million dollar massage. It was great hearing the responses of how everyone felt in each role both client and therapist, even the director of the school had a profound experience as he had to participate as we have an odd number in our class.
The third part of the exercise was different than the first two. We were instructed to sit facing our partners, close enough to touch, but not touching. We were instructed to close our eyes and visualize ourselves and our partner as being perfect and with no flaws, perfect as we were at the moment, as best we could. We sat for a few minutes and visualized this, tried to feel this and then we were told to reach out and find our partners hands and just hold them and feel that sense of perfection and wholeness.
So, of course, there we sat together with our eyes closed just thinking and experiencing and letting our minds go where they may as we felt this feeling of wholeness, that neither of us needed anything that we were fine and perfect as we were. After a few minutes it was extremely amazing how I no longer felt the hands of my partner anymore, in a way. I felt them, I held them, however, it was more like they were an extension of myself.
As I sat like that, feeling that, I felt suddenly at peace in a way I haven't in the Goddess and God only know how long. I felt truly whole and in the moment and so connected to everything all at once. I can't recall a time I felt like that, not recently anyway. Suddenly that notion I've heard "All water is One water" made perfect sense to me. I realized that all people were truly one like the water, we may be individuals, or in the case of water, drops, and yet we were all connected in some deep way that we've forgotten about somehow. I realized that no matter how far apart I felt at times with my group-mates, at lunch when I sat alone for the past few days feeling as an outsider, that I was not disconnected from them like I thought, I always am, even with distance between us. I also, for the first time in a long time, experienced a lack of fear or nervousness about my image. I suddenly realized that we're all going to be in the same position with each other, that all of humanity is really just as vulnerable as I am at any given moment and I shouldn't be so worried about being judged or what not. At that moment I felt the entire room as one-mind, one-spirit and it was amazing.
We were instructed to release our partners hands when we felt it appropriate. At the moment I had an interesting thought. I thought "But how can I let them go? How can I disconnect when it is a part of me?" I was beyond feeling that separation between our hands and it was a foreign concept at the moment to 'let go' and 'break' the connection. We each seemed to have an excruciating time bringing ourselves to doing this ever so slowly.
My partner confirmed how I felt when we were told to simply open our eyes and just look on our partner and notice if we saw them differently than we had before. We then got to discuss it and we were really of one mind then in our feelings of not wanting to break that connection and let go. As I looked at her my eyes started to sting and I had to clamp down to keep from crying right then and there. It was the sudden lack of that connection, and the relief of such a realization and really it was just so over-whelming to feel all of that. I haven't felt right in nearly a year and for once I finally feel balanced and truly lighthearted again. I no longer felt this immense pressure and darkness on my shoulders and it was too amazing. Unfortunately I couldn't share it with the rest of the sixty or so people because i knew that if I even attempted it I wouldn't be able to bring the words forward without streaming tears down my cheeks.
It was such a wonderful experience. Not sad at all, simply overwhelming to feel that. I don't think people do this, allow themselves to experience touch in this way and to really just meet people with simple touch. Sure, we shake hands but how often do you notice the finer details of fingerprints, heat/cold, smoothness, etc.? Couples hold hands but do they really focus on the details and how the others hand feels, or do they simply notice the pressure and grip of the other?
Ever notice how people seem scared to even slightly touch someone now-a-days, even barely brushing their shoulder against another in passing. I am gaining a severe appreciation for the sense of touch and how amazingly powerful our sense of touch can be and how amazingly intuitive and magickal it can be too.
What are your thoughts on this experience? Have you ever had any super-profound experiences that have changed you somehow?
This will not be my last, I can guarantee that for certain, but already I feel myself changing in such an amazing way. I feel I am finally where I belong, not just spiritually but as a whole. I found my place spiritually a year and some odd months ago finally but it wasn't my only place left to find, I feel now I have finally found my place in life itself and I look forward with hope and courage and strength to the days ahead in this school and whatever may come. I face it now without fear of failing as I did only days ago, without anxiety about being with so many people, nervous about my image, their judgements, and I feel so much better for it all...