The Earthling Problem
REPORT TO THE RESEARCH COMMITTEE
STAR DATE 56765,88.677.1..
THAT ODD ITCHY FEELING
I am not at all amused with your attitude concerning my present
condition. You have no idea what it is like being stranded in such a
barbaric environment with only primitive resources. Nor does it seem
that you have given consideration to the noxious atmospheric
conditions. My breathing apertures are clogged and my ocular viewing
units are irritated. And certain internal processing systems are not
functioning as they were originally designed to due bacterial invasion
as a result of ingesting pollutants.
It is now over two months
beyond my extraction and return date. And you can be sure that if the
delay is a result of more committee ineptitude I will write a letter to
the Emperor himself describing this injustice. Nor is it fair that past
personality conflicts between the Committee Head and myself should lead
to this cruel abandonment. It is not my fault that the Committee Head
bears a striking resemblance to Plieadian Grib. Also the fact that the
Committee Head's mother may have been a Magellanic Slith can probably
be verified. Actually, a quick glance at him in profile should be
enough evidence for anyone.
culture here is as diverse as it is incomprehensible. Social ethics
range from cooking and ingesting ones neighbor to glorifying and
deifying ones neighbor.
The debate over these moors and a multitude
of variations on them often led to open warfare. This seems to, only to
encourage more warfare instead cooperation. (I am sure the committee
can benefit from this observation).
The technology is so primitive
that it is beyond description. Instead of molecular transference, they
merely allow their waste by products to flow down stream and down wind.
Unlike our system, which lets impoverished planets benefit immediately
via matter transmission, from our waste products, theirs suffers from
accumulated effects. (perhaps the committee Head could benefit from a
waste receiving unit in his private quarters).(Possibly he might learn
more from the experience than the primitives here seem to).
I can only travel through forests and cultivated areas and by foot. And
at night. I have also been shot at with primitive weapons for my
troubles. Traveling on the native grid is tantamount to suicide, a
result that many natives achieve. They seem to hurtle at one another
encased in diverse types of metal and plastic configured to reach
speeds in excess of their ability to control. The crashes appear to be
a form of art, otherwise I cannot imagine why so many would engage in
Ninety nine percent of grid travelers are functionally
illiterate as well. After deciphering the meaning of the road markers
it is my finding that they continuously mistake the meaning of maximum
The government posts markers displaying
acceptable speeds, which are ignored by most. This of course may be
part of a secret and selective breeding program which allows the more
functional to survive and enhance the gene pool.
Far better is
our system of molecular transference, even though a few never get
rearranged correctly. (as may have been the case with one of the
Committee Heads ancestors) Our system also creates far less mess when a
de-scrambling goes awry.
Once again I would like to make clear
to the committee just how dangerous this assignment can be, and how
important my need for immediate recall is.
Communication is primitive, there are three major forms.
The first is by a kind of radio transmission/reception devise. This
devise allows the natives to view natural and unnatural catastrophes at
regular intervals. The primary views are comprised of the
transportation art form, warfare, and animal food commercials. Unlike
what we see on civilized worlds, the primitives seem to enjoy feeding,
rather than eating lower life forms. (this will present them with a
shock should we ever decide to add them to our menus).
form of communication is verbal, accompanied by gestures of the
forelimbs. This seems to lead to frequent episodes of combat, which
occurs when certain digits on the forelimb are brought into use.
The third form is by ingesting various chemicals and liquids that
apparently change synapses in their small cranial area, which in turn
enables them to speak in such a way that only others that have ingested
these substances can understand. The only parallel we have for this may
be on the home world when certain Committee members discuss topics they
do not understand, and certain others pretend that they understand.
This world is not at all like the Unified Empire Worlds. Whereas our
Emperor picks something new to worship every five weeks the primitives
here are left to their own imaginations. This leads to conflict and
more warfare. It would seem that weapons are as prolific as deities on
this backward mudball. And all of the primitives are in conflict as to
which deity will gain supremacy.
Only the lack of restriction
on breeding keeps the race expanding. The primitives appear to produce
off spring faster than munitions manufacturing can produce weapons.
Their Politics bears a striking resemblance to their religion. The
primary difference being that few natives will admit to believing a
political statement, while many will admit to believing a religious
statement. The end results are nearly the same though, at least in most
It is my opinion after close
observation that this world can only be considered as a food source.
Any of the primitives, and sub species, given the proper spicing and
cooking techniques can be turned into a viable cuisine. Evolution on
this world has not only halted but seems to be reversing itself, some
of the natives even share this view.
Agent of Research (stranded)